What the heck is a Courageous Conversation?

I recently shot a video for LinkedIn about courageous conversations. I had assumed that people knew what I was referring to when I spoke about these conversations and I shouldn’t have. I realized this while I was wrapping up an introductory webinar on high performance and someone asked me to give an example of a courageous conversation.

In the moment, I gave a personal example and shared a story of a courageous conversation I had.  After the webinar it dawned on me that I should not only define courageous conversations but also provide you with some tools and lead-in conversation starters that I have found to be incredibly helpful as I’ve faced these once fear-inducing moments.

Here’s what I can tell you about courageous conversations: they are easier and easier to have as you build your courage muscle!

As a recovering ostrich who would put their head in the sand and avoid confrontation at all costs, I can tell you that I would never dream that confrontation could get easier.

In fact, I spent most of my childhood and adult life burying my feelings and not speaking my truth. It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I started really speaking up for myself.  At work, I avoided confrontation like the plague and with family and friends, I would rather ignore a situation than tackle it head on.

So, what the heck is a courageous conversation?  It’s the kind of conversation that makes your heart beat a bit faster, makes you sweaty and you’re most likely avoiding it! It’s a conversation that needs to happen because someone has done or said something to upset you and you need to clear the air.

A courageous conversation could be expressing to someone that you love them, or that you no longer love them. It could be asking for a job, promotion or firing someone. Chances are a situation or issue has popped into your mind and you know deep down that you need to address it.

Here’s why most people avoid having the conversation…

• They are worried about ruining a relationship.
• They are worried about the consequences.
• They want to be liked and approved of.
• They don’t know what to say or how to say it!

When I joined my first TEC (The Executive Committee) group, I met a couple of awesome people who taught me how to start awkward and fierce conversations.  In fact, it wasn’t unusual to hear them say to each other or me “The story I’m telling myself is…” before launching into a conversation they needed to have, to clear the air and any assumptions.

Courageous Conversation Starters

In addition to this fabulous opening line, I thought I’d share some of the others that I’ve learned along the way.  Often, it’s the starting of a conversation that trips us up, so I hope that this serves you!

“I feel awkward bringing this up, however I need to address…”

“This could just be my interpretation…”

“Something has been on my mind. Are you open to a discussion about it?”

“I apologize for not bringing this up sooner…”

Notice that these are all soft ways to start the conversation while actually being very concise.  I have learned from Brené Brown that clear is kind and unclear is unkind.  So specificity matters!

For an extensive overview of having difficult conversations, I recommend that you check out “Fierce Conversations” written by Susan Scott.  One of my favourite quotes from her is this one:

“While no single conversation is guaranteed to transform a company, a relationship, or a life, any single conversation can.”

Having difficult and uncomfortable conversations takes courage. Courage is a skill that you can develop and the more willing you are to have these conversations, the more you will face them head on and avoid the turmoil of sitting on an issue that’s bothering you.

Sometimes all it takes is role-playing it out, hearing how you sound and catching any criticism or judgement ahead of time to set the conversation up for success.

As always, I’d love to hear any feedback and if you have any ideas on how to start courageous conversations. Please share those below!