Mismatched Expectations Leads to Conflict

Most conflict arises from mismatched expectations which is why clarity is so critical.  Think about the last conflict you had with a partner or colleague. Chances are, there were misaligned expectations in the relationship. It could be mismatched expectations of communication style, deadlines, how you wanted the other person to engage with you.

In fact, I believe that our inner conflict happens when we have mismatched expectations of ourselves! I’ve spoken about the peace and joy that high performers have when their actions are aligned with their core values. When they are in congruence and showing up as their best selves, or who they say they are, they can be at peace. Inner conflict happens when we’re out of alignment. This inner battle can take place when we have mismatched expectations on where we are in life.

If I always bought in to the notion that I should be married by 25, own a house by 30 and have 2 children by 35 and my life doesn’t represent that expectation, anxiety can creep in. Or, if I expect my team to read my mind and behave in a certain way at work or during meetings but I don’t communicate my expectations, confusion and conflict can occur. People create their own interpretation, which is why as leaders, we have to be crystal clear about what is acceptable and what’s not.

Perhaps we avoid laying out clear expectations with employees for fear of feeling like a tyrant. What I’ve learned to be true is that there’s psychological safety in understanding boundaries. Think about a five-lane highway without painted lines. There would be pandemonium! People need, appreciate and value boundaries so don’t be afraid to articulate them.

In our personal lives we can avoid setting clear expectations because we don’t want to seem uptight. While I’m not suggesting that you sit your friends down and tell them your expectations, we communicate to others our expectations in what we tolerate. It’s been said that people learn what is an acceptable way to treat you. Meaning that when a partner yells and we aren’t clear that that behaviour is unacceptable, we essentially tell them that we’re willing to be spoken to that way.

As leaders, when we don’t address someone walking into the office late time and time again or handing their reports in with mediocre work quality, we communicate that we’ll accept mediocre work. Another interpretation by team members is that we simply don’t care and that their work doesn’t matter or have impact. While we can think we’re being easygoing, our team can interpret or make assumptions that we just don’t care.

Think about a situation today at work where a team member is doing something that is out of alignment with your expectations. How will you address it? Remember what Brené Brown says “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” To which I’ll add that a kind delivery of your message goes a long way too. Now think of a personal situation with a neighbour, friend or spouse. Where are there mismatched expectations; will you have a courageous conversation about it? Own your part by sharing that you’re feeling “off” and that you own that you weren’t clear about how you want the relationship or communication style to go and how you want to see things change.

Lastly, clarity with clients can increase trust and lack of clarity and communication can dimmish it just as quickly. We recently had work done to our home and I realized that I had anxiety because there wasn’t clear communication and therefore mismatched expectations. I had to constantly reach out to the company for updates. I wasn’t clear on timing, how many people would be at my home and for how long or how long the project would even take. It literally caused anxiety and I thought, this is such an awesome opportunity to build trust. It would take one minute to email or send a voice text to say “Here’s the plan for the day. Here’s how many people to expect and when they’ll be coming and going.” Instead, I was left in the dark and frustrated when I didn’t see people onsite working or leaving “early” which was my interpretation because I didn’t know what the expectations were.

Even the best of clients, friends and even soulmates don’t read minds so in order to create more connection and less conflict, clarity is key!

How do you communicate your expectations effectively with others? As always, we would love your feedback and comments to share within the community!