Why You Must Have Courageous Conversations with Your Team & How to Prepare for Them

We’ve all done it! Someone’s behaviour is driving us nuts. Day in and day out it grinds on our nerves. We’re triggered when we see them or hear their voice and yet we do nothing about it! Guess what leaders, you’re not alone! Most of the leaders that I’ve spoken with hate confrontation and, you know what, I did too. It wasn’t until I learned how to have them in a different way that I learned to embrace them and have them on a regular basis. Like any muscle, the courage muscle - once stretched - becomes stronger and it’s a muscle required in a leadership role.

Defining courageous conversions, feedback and confrontation in a different way

Courageous conversations: are conversations which take you outside of your comfort zone. They may make you feel exposed or vulnerable and typically something important is on the line.

Feedback: is simply bringing awareness to a pattern in someone’s behaviour so that they can improve future performance.

Carefrontation: is caring enough to bring to light an issue that is holding someone back from showing up as their best self. It is delivered with love and the intent to help the other person grow.

What holds most people back from having them?

When people think of having to give feedback or confront a behaviour, very often they are filled with dread!

Here are the things that hold people back from speaking up:

• Fear of speaking up
• Fear of judgement
• Fear of losing a friend
• Fear of offending a loved one
• Not enough practice at it
• Not sure if it’s their place to say anything
• Uncertain how others will react
• Want to be polite (very Canadian, eh?!)

They think through a list of possible scenarios that could happen and think of all the worst things instead of what could possibly go right.

What’s at stake?

When we don’t confront poor behaviour or an issue there’s so much more at risk than a conversation going sideways or being uncomfortable!

• We feel like we’re dying inside from not speaking our truth
• Our health suffers! Ya’ll, when I went through therapy, I discovered that your body doesn’t work properly when you’re “holding @#$% in”. Literally. This is the reason why newlyweds often put on weight; we’re not talking about issues so we don’t rock the boat and it’s the equivalent to eating a BIG MAC!
  Hearing that was motivation enough to speak up when something upset me. According to Louise Hays author of You Can Heal Your Life, a cough is actually a desire to bark at the world. “Listen to me!” Obviously, we’re not talking about a virus during cold season but a chronic cough - food for thought!
• We fail to support someone we love
• We leave people in the dark guessing where they stand
• We lose our authenticity

How to have Courageous Conversations?

I didn’t speak my truth until I was forty so I completely understand that having difficult conversations can be tough. As mentioned earlier, having them in a work setting as a leader is imperative so I’m going to share some of the steps that I take and have learned along the way.

1. Reflect on your intentions beforehand

Is what I’m staying true? Is what I’m saying being done so in love? Am I being kind? I remember hearing this on a Ted Talk and for the life of me cannot remember who said it but I’ve used it ever since hearing it!

2. Get in the right headspace

This is really important if you’re feeling emotional, frustrated and angry. Go for a walk around the block, meditate, have a slice of chocolate cake, I don’t judge. Just change your state before you go in guns-a-blazing!

3. Plan out what you’ll say

Run through draft one and get it all out, not editing just blast them. In the second draft, how can you be kind while keeping the data in check and deliver the same message in a firm way. Say it out loud as the last draft which should be true, loving and kind to help the other person course correct and grow.

4. Pick the right time and place

Make sure you’re not running in-between meetings or the employee is not about to leave the building. Respect your time and their and allow space to be 100% present. That means no cell phones, no email notifications, just you and the person you’re having a conversation with.

5. Sit side by side when you can

When we sit across from someone, it’s a primal, territorial and confrontational position. When you sit side by side, you communicate that you’re in this together and it’s the two of you against the issue. Trust me – it works!

6. Determine the type of conversation this will be

Checking a SFD (Brene Brown refers to this as a “Shitty First Draft”. So the conversation starts with, “Hey, the story I’m telling myself is” -and leave space for a conversation where the other person hears that you may very well be making something up and it gives them a chance to weigh in. We use this a lot at Sigma Promotions and I love that I’m able to have candid conversations with team members who need to check their SFD with me. Nine times out of ten the stories are way off base. That opening line! Bless Brene Brown (you QUEEN) for giving us a beautiful and open way to start a conversation in a curious way.

Giving feedback simply to bring awareness to a behaviour or pattern that the employee may not be aware of but may be impacting the team.

Courageous or Fierce Conversation: Something is at stake and if it doesn’t change there are consequences and a fierce conversation or carefrontation is required.

7. Be conscious of the aftermath, the emotional wake

Susan Scott recommends this and it was something I had never taken into consideration. If I walk away feeling like I’ve said my part and there’s a load off of my chest and I’ve literally destroyed the other person, that’s not a win-win scenario. This is a great reminder to finish in a positive space and beware to wrap up any stories before closing the conversation off.

Do I get it right every time? NO! I’m still a work in progress. However, I will say that I never leave issues that need addressing anymore. No matter how uncomfortable, I tackle them head on - a skill I wish I developed two decades ago, but c’est la vie!

I would highly recommend reading “Fierce Conversations” by Susan Scott which is an in-depth wealth of information on this topic.